WHEN DID SHIT GET *THIS* ORWELLIAN?

My fellow Stibbonites,

Yesterday started off as any other regular day at work. I sat in front of my computer, made myself a nice hot cup of chamomile tea, poured some whiskey in it (because fuck chamomile tea), and started typing away at my next porn masterpiece. 

I use MS Word, just as I always have ever since the damn thing first came out. Does anyone remember that old version where there was a cartoon paperclip on the bottom right of the screen? I loved that googly-eyed motherfucker. He was my little writing buddy. Let me tell you, we had some good times, me and him. We had our ups, our downs... sometimes we said things to each other that could not be unsaid - but those were the days when computer screens were massive and could take a slap without toppling over. Ah! Good times, man; good times. 

But anyway, I digress. So, when I had written a couple of nasty words I noticed that Word had marked them in a purple dotted line. That was new. I right-clicked on them to see what the perceived problem was and lo and behold: "This language may be offensive to your reader". What the fucking fuck, Word? Are you my mother, peeking over my shoulder? Of course I know "this language may be offensive". That's exactly why I use it. Besides, what business is it of yours to patronize me? Perhaps I'm writing dialogue to the villain in my novel; or, perhaps, I'm writing my own suicide note and want to let off some steam. You are a word processor. You barely get to make any grammatical or syntactical correction suggestions, so in what twisted up Orwellian nightmare do you think you get to make a moral judgement on how I chose to express myself privately? 

OK, perhaps I exaggerate a little. As the more perceptive of you might have understood by now, I'm only serious half the time I'm joking and I'm joking two thirds of the time I'm being serious. In any case, however, I know a slippery slope when I see one. 

THE DEFUNCT GAME PROJECT

Womp-womp-wooomp, quoth the sad trombone, my fellow Stibbonites...

Do you remember that post, ages ago, about an "Adventures of Alexa" porn game "coming soon"? 

Seriously? You do? Guys, what the fuck is wrong with you? Are you those idiot savant types or something?

Well, in any case, to cut a long story short: the game isn't happening, folks. I mean, I had every good and deviant intention to do it and to do it well. I rolled up my sleeves and I spent a shitload of hours tinkering with my drawing tablet, trying to improve my sketching style and my coloring technique to the point it could resemble something borderline decent. The effort alone was fucking epic, I tell you. "Eye of the tiger" was probably playing in the background unbeknownst to me and my days rolled by in a cheesy 90's montage.

The big idea was to develop all the art assets myself (character dolls, in both dressed and undressed versions as well as with various expressions and in various body positions not to mention the full-screen CGs with the fuck scenes in all their various versions) and then do the Renpy coding as well on one of those Renpy builders type of software thingies. As you can imagine, that plan went to shit.

When I realized that my drawing / painting skills weren't going to get in decent shape anytime soon, I didn't give up on you, you beautiful fucking perverts. The Stibbons wouldn't do that to you. I actually commissioned an artist to redo the character dolls from scratch (see pictures above and below in this post). But then, life happened. The cost was just too much to do everything I wanted - and I didn't want to give you a tiny, underdeveloped game full of "content not currently available" pop-ups.

Besides, developments in my personal life as well as in my secret career as a mainstream writer (I write under a pen name, of course - I do have a sense of shame, as strange as that may sound), left me precious little time for the "three books and a game" vision I originally had for the completion of the "Adventures of Alexa" saga. 

So, realistically, the game is off the table. But the "three books" part of the vision still holds true. 

This post, I suppose, is a requiem for a good porn idea smitten by the harsh reality of austere adult life. I just wanted to share it on here, as a sacred Stibbonite relic, and commit it to the everlasting Stygian waters of the Internets. 

Know, however, that I have amassed a great hoard of "Adventures of Alexa"-related commissioned artwork. What you see here is but a mere trifle; and according to an arcane prophecy that I literally just made up, when the stars are right, the Chosen One will appear, conspicuously strong in his right arm and the pimples upon his brow shalt form a crown, for verily I say unto you that on that day the Stibbons will bequeath upon him his amassed hoard of unpublished artwork; and the Chosen One shall take up the cause and fulfill the forlorn dream in a resplendent fashion. And all across the lands, the perverts shall rejoice and acclaim with one voice: "Great is the Chosen One! Great is the Stibbons! Great are our erections, too!"

ADVENTURES OF ALEXA: BORDELLO ROYALE

My fellow Stibbonites,

It is with great joy and gushing pride (not to mention a conspicuously trembling hand) that I present to you the second installment in the "Adventures of Alexa" porn opus: "Bordello Royale"!

"The most prominent whore mistress in the fantasy world of the Twelve Dominions desperately needs to retrieve a shameful portrait of herself from the collection of a deviant baron. To that end, she hires the services of Alexa and her companions. The young adventurer girl, along with her sultry elven counterpart, must work undercover in the Royale, the biggest brothel in the city of Akkadia, in order to infiltrate the baron’s private orgy and steal the painting. It’s a lame plan, really; but a great excuse for the sticky depravities that ensue".

Available in all e-book formats for direct downloads on Smashwords: Gittit here!

THE CURSE OF THE NEW COVER(S)

The Curse of the Horny Ruby (my final attempt at a cover)

My fellow Stibbonites,

Did you know that in the case of a shipwreck, when a large crowd of people would find themselves overboard, statistically it is more probable that the sharks would attack the women of the group first? Apparently, this happens because women tend to dress in brighter colors and wear jewelry, which reflect the light and attract the sharks.

Cunningly using the same principle to attract readers, I've fumbled about quite a lot in my endeavors to create a colorful and eye-catching cover.

The Curse of the Horny Ruby (my third attempt at a cover)

The Curse of the Horny Ruby (my second attempt at a cover)

I'm no artist and I never claimed to be one. I just tried to do my best at being a one-man fantasy porn studio at the beginning of my smut-writing career, when my libido was as high as my expectations and my budget as small as my... errm... never mind that.

This post is a crudely-drawn testament (pun intended) to the determination of the Stibbons and the surprisingly rapid -yet inadequate- evolution of his drawing skills, in the service of high-concept fantasy porn.

The Curse of the Horny Ruby (my first attempt at a cover)

Of course, in the end, I decided to hire a professional to get my artwork right. And that's the moral of the story, right there, folks: you get what you pay for. Unless you're one of those do-it-yourself artsy hippies who do a little bit of everything. In which case, what you get is the mediocre shit you see here. 

HENTAI FOUNDRY: THE CURSE OF THE JUICY SAMPLE(S)

My fellow Stibbonites,

I am a fervent believer in man's inalienable right to free smut. Therefore, with that noble ambition at heart, I created my very own Hentai Foundry profile. Go on; touch it. You know you want to! The link, I mean...

That's where I post large excerpts and even entire chapters from my "Adventures of Alexa" series, all for free, of course. So, if you're not yet sold on buying the books, feel free to sample the goods extensively and make up your dirty, freeloading mind.

Also, this post serves as a mini-museum of drawn porn: what you see here are old concept drawings I did for "The Curse of the Horny Ruby", illustrating some of the most iconic scenes of the book.

Despite being evidently shitty, they are highly collectible and -let's face it- uber cult pieces of artwork, sketched and digitally colored by yours truly. They also show you why I had to eventually hire a proper artist.

INTERVIEWING THE STIBBONS

My fellow Stibbonites,

It is with great pride and pleasure that I present to you my interview on Smashwords.com .

Why is this important, I hear you ask?

Well, because A) you get a highly sought-after glimpse of the twisted brilliance that is the mind of the Stibbons and B) no matter how lame you are you'll never be as lame as a self-published author interviewing himself. Keep that comforting thought in mind. Consider it my gift to you.

READ THE INTERVIEW HERE

MARLON, THE DELUSIONAL OGRE MASTER THIEF

Name: Marlon
Race: Ogre
Class: Thief
Alignment: Chaotic Moron
Physique: IDDQD

Marlon is a master thief. Marlon is one with the shadows; he is a shadow in the darkness, the sound of silence incarnate, the invisible hand of—

Actually, Marlon is an Ogre. Which means a seven-foot titan of gray muscle who makes the ground shake when he walks and clumsy as fuck. Yet due to some seriously misguided career choice, he’s the only Ogre in the Twelve Dominions to be delusional enough to declare himself a thief. And a master one at that.

After his application to the Thieves’ Guild of Akkadia got rejected, he decided to become a freelancer. Sure enough, his first ever job turned out a complete clusterfuck and he found himself in the hands of the notorious underworld boss, One-Right-Nut Larry.

Marlon likes nothing better than fucking girls up the ass. It’s his thing, really. However, his existential misery lies in  the fact that his cock is a massive fourteen-inch monster and thus he's having quite a hard time finding any girls that'll let him split open their back door. Even specialized prostitutes charge him double for it.

Life dealt Marlon a pretty bad hand, yes; but he refuses to yield to the fell clutch of circumstance and keeps his head unbowed. 

MIMI, THE SLUTTY ELF BARD

Name: Mimi Na Shtee
Race: Elf
Class: Bard
Alignment: Chaotic Naughty
Physique: Fuck-me-raw gorgeous (36B-26-36)

Mimi is a slut. Probably the biggest, nastiest slut in the Twelve Dominions. If cock-gobbling were an art, she would be Michelangelo; and her pussy would be the fucking Capella Sistina.

Good-natured by default, Mimi always has a smile on her sweet lips and a wink in her feline eye. Quick to flirt and even quicker to get down on her knees to please a man balls-deep and sloppy, she's a constant delight to those around her.

Mimi is a free spirit, without prudish reservations or taboos. She waltzes through life as if it were one gigantic orgy, sampling all the intense and forbidden pleasures the party has to offer her.

Men, Dwarves, Goblins, Orcs and other well-hung representatives of a dozen more races have had a go at stretching out Mimi's fuck-holes and dumping generous amounts of cum in or on her slender frame.

After all, Mimi doesn't discriminate. Unless, of course, it's Hobgoblins. Just like all Elves, she fucking hates those Hobgoblin motherfuckers.

Mimi is daring. She likes to experiment and is always ready for new adventures and challenges.

In her own peculiar way, she's quite the fearless adventurer: for she knows that even the worst case scenario in a situation simply means she's utterly and deeply fucked. And Mimi can handle that like a pro. 

ADALWIN, THE PUSSY WHIPPED SQUIRE BASTARD

Name: Adalwin Van Remen
Race: Human
Class: Warrior
Alignment: Lawful Pussy Whipped
Physique: Boyfriend material

Adalwin is the product of one of baron Van Remen's many indiscretions with a buxome washing-maid. In other words, he's a bastard. Oh, and Alexa's half-brother too.

Thus, he grew up together with Alexa, serving as her squire. For as long as he could remember himself he had been in love with her. To his eyes, his half-sister and knight-maiden of the realm is the picture of perfection: beautiful and sexy and smart and butterflies and rainbows and unicorns…

You see, Adalwin is young and full of foolish hopes. He does not know that love is a lie that will stab you in the back and leave you there to bleed out like a buggered hobo in an alley who just made a really stupid deal with a pervo shitbird rich kid who wants to—

Huh? Oh, yes. Adalwin. Right. Sorry about that. I have no idea where it came from.

So, Adalwin being young and impressionable, followed Alexa like a puppy, even when she decided to play runaway brat in Akkadia. 

Adalwin used to be a perfectly normal young lad, until a teleportation spell went horribly wrong and he ended up humorously deformed as a result, having twin identical cocks.

This peculiar mutation of his doubled his libido and further fueled the sexual vehemence with which he pursues the object of his dark, shameful desires: his bitch of a half-sister.

ALEXA, THE UPTIGHT KNIGHT-MAIDEN BITCH

Name: Alexa Van Remen 
Race: Human
Class: Knight
Alignment: Neutral Bitchy
Physique: Ideal Cock-Sleeve (34C-26-37)

Ask any guy in Akkadia about Alexa and he'll tell you she's an uptight bitch in need of good dicking to set her straight.

But Alexa doesn't care. She'll tell you these are just rumors spread by her loser exes or some asshole she turned down, who could barely get it up and blamed their impotence on her, despite the fact that she chaffed her supple lips trying to blow them into a steely erection.

Alexa is the runaway daughter of baron Alfred Van Remen, of the Northlands. Turning her back to a protected life of luxury and dreary court etiquette, she moved into the stinking metropolis of Akkadia in search of adventure, fortune and glory.

Yet, in truth, much of the haughty snobbery she tried to get away from in the first place did end up staying with her - for it was a bigger part of her own self than she dared to realize or admit.

Alexa is the type of girl who likes to be in control of everything. She's a strong, independent and opinionated knight-maiden of the North.

But when it comes to fucking, nothing turns her on more than letting go of all her pretenses.

Even though she won’t admit it to herself, she craves to be dominated and degraded in bed – to be treated like one of the street whores she so despises. She loves to have her ass slapped red while being on all fours and a thick, throbbing cock fucking up her tight little pussy.

The idea of being choked, smacked across the face and even spat on makes her face burn red with indignation yet, at the same time, get her dripping wet - much to her unconfessed shame.

KNOW THE STIBBONS

My fellow Stibbonites,

I'm Marvin. Marvin Ronald Stibbons. But you may call me Mr. Stibbons, because that's the polite way to address someone you're not acquainted with. 

You will be pleased to hear that I'm your go-to guy for quality erotica fantasy and humor fiction.

Just as my self-devised family crest proclaims: “tam pro ridendi quam pro masturbari, omnes legunt Stibboni” (for a laugh, as well as for a wank, everybody reads Stibbons).

It rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

Being a classically-educated author gone rogue, a professional hobbyist and part-time ventriloquist, I can guarantee you, dear reader, a unique reading experience full of rampant silliness and explicit, over-descriptive heterosexual descriptions of sexual acts. 

My writing career in erotica began in the late 90s, when as a young and impressionable man I jumped on the “X-Files” porn fan-fiction bandwagon that was all the rage back then. I actually went as far as to make a name for myself in those dark and gloomy days of dial-up internet, when yahoo mailing groups were still a new and exciting thing, attachments were opened by everyone without fear and spam was but a vague shadow gathering on the virtual horizon.

Back then, in a cunning attempt to conceal my real name, I wrote under the pseudonym "Mr. Stibbons": perhaps my second most brilliant idea after inventing waterproof teabags. 

Some of my early (and admittedly crude) stories are still extant on a couple of internet fan-fiction adult story archives; and some of you, veterans of erotica, may recall them – although I'm sure you’d never publicly admit it.

After a long break from literary smut and several clumsy attempts at getting a normal life, I've finally came to my senses and decided to return to what I do best: write fine por...erm...erotica.

As a general rule, you will not find any too extreme sexual fetishes described in my stories because I'm not into that freaky shit anyway. Then again, I'm the kind of person who considers very few things "too extreme". This is the 21st century after all. Come on, people, get with the program, already!

In general, in the "Adventures of Alexa" Trilogy, expect to find filthy, overly-descriptive straight up fucking, gangbanging, blowbanging, dick slapping, cum shooting, swallowing and gurgling, girls who (either overtly or reluctantly) love to be dominated and humiliated and all sorts of other cliché geek perversions / fap fantasies. All of that is neatly wrapped up with strong accents of tongue-in-cheek comedy and relentless meta referencing to pop culture. 

Even though written from a male perspective (for obvious reasons related to my inescapable biology), I like to think that my work can be enjoyed by the dirty-minded females out there as well. Because, let’s face it: guys would much rather watch sex than read about it. We are still somewhat stuck in the Neanderthal phase. We’re not proud of it most of the time, but we have learned to embrace it without shame.

Besides, it has been scientifically proven that a man’s dirtiest and wildest fantasy is nothing compared to the delicious filth a woman can conceive of in her mind. Don’t deny it, ladies. Just own it and enjoy it.