My fellow Stibbonites,
Yesterday started off as any other regular day at work. I sat in front of my computer, made myself a nice hot cup of chamomile tea, poured some whiskey in it (because fuck chamomile tea), and started typing away at my next porn masterpiece.
I use MS Word, just as I always have ever since the damn thing first came out. Does anyone remember that old version where there was a cartoon paperclip on the bottom right of the screen? I loved that googly-eyed motherfucker. He was my little writing buddy. Let me tell you, we had some good times, me and him. We had our ups, our downs... sometimes we said things to each other that could not be unsaid - but those were the days when computer screens were massive and could take a slap without toppling over. Ah! Good times, man; good times.
But anyway, I digress. So, when I had written a couple of nasty words I noticed that Word had marked them in a purple dotted line. That was new. I right-clicked on them to see what the perceived problem was and lo and behold: "This language may be offensive to your reader". What the fucking fuck, Word? Are you my mother, peeking over my shoulder? Of course I know "this language may be offensive". That's exactly why I use it. Besides, what business is it of yours to patronize me? Perhaps I'm writing dialogue to the villain in my novel; or, perhaps, I'm writing my own suicide note and want to let off some steam. You are a word processor. You barely get to make any grammatical or syntactical correction suggestions, so in what twisted up Orwellian nightmare do you think you get to make a moral judgement on how I chose to express myself privately?
OK, perhaps I exaggerate a little. As the more perceptive of you might have understood by now, I'm only serious half the time I'm joking and I'm joking two thirds of the time I'm being serious. In any case, I know a slippery slope when I see one.
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